Useless When Wet: Royai Comedy Stories
by MoonStarDutchess
Summary: This is a collection of Royai comedy oneshots.
1. Story 1: The Book Blurb

**Useless When Wet: Royai Comedy Collection  
**

 **Story 1: The Book Blurb**

 **Author: MoonStarDutchess**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction.**

 **NOTE: For the sake of distinction and clarification, the book passages are done in italics and bold. Riza's inner thoughts are only italics and quotations.**

* * *

Riza still had the first book she'd ever been given. The first book that never had a previous owner and belonged only to her. After her mother died, Riza got her books, but it wasn't the same. After she'd read through all of them, she started going to the library. Pride and Prejudice had been her favorite. She'd borrowed it so many times, that the kind old librarian smiled his crooked grin at her, his peppermint scented pipe poking out the edge of his mouth, and handed her a new copy for her to keep at home.

Through the years, she'd kept her collections down to about three dozen. She had to move a lot in the military, and too many books make that difficult. She'd received many books as gifts through the years. She got books about chess from Breda, books about guns from Havoc, and science fiction books from Fuery. Roy was the one that knew her taste best, choosing to get her classic romance books. She appreciated all of them and read them with vigor. Rebecca got her books as well, but those types were given to her when they were alone. Rebecca was the person who got her interested in erotica during their academy days.

Rebecca had been sitting on her bunk reading and handed her one of those books. She'd taken it, not expecting much, but she got more than she bargained for. She'd been innocent when she'd joined the academy, and before reading those books, hadn't known so many sexual positions existed. Sex wasn't something that was talked about where she was from. It was something you waited to do until marriage and even most married woman knew very little, so to read it detailed it in a novel had been a shock. She'd enjoyed the book's plot, she'd enjoyed the smutty bits, and she became a convert to the world of erotica. A covert convert for a few years until Roy discovered one section of her tiny book collection.

He'd teased her about the poor writing in the books, even though he'd only read three lines, and annoyed her about the perfect characters that could never exist in real life. It was teasing in the way one would tease a best friend.

When they were finally able to date without worrying about the laws, their evenings consisted of him reading his alchemical texts and her reading her books. Most of them not weren't erotica, but occasionally they would be. When they were, he'd start teasing her. Then she'd tell him that if he kept it up, he would not experience anything she was learning about in her erotica. It usually worked, but she probably would've shown him anyway. He wasn't the only one that could enjoy her new skills after all.

When they married, they bought a house. For a wedding gift Roy had a room in their house redesigned with shelves, comfortable chairs, and good reading lamps. A personal reading room just for her, though she insisted on sharing it with him as well. Her small collection fit in half of one of the shelves.

A year later, that shelf was filled, and the next book she'd buy would be the first to go on the new shelf.

 **-/-/-**

She arrived at the bookstore, suitably called The Hole in the Wall due to its unassuming nature. It was a light blue door with two small concrete steps in front of it. Above the door was a simple wooden plank with the shop's name painted on it with yellow block letters. It was nestled between two flamboyant clothing shops with odd lights in their windows and bright pink canopies and frames. She chuckled at the mental comparison her mind conjured. It was similar to putting Fuery in a room full of Alex Armstrong duplicates.

When she entered the shop, the smell of books hit her. Anyone who didn't read, which seemed to become _the_ cool thing recently, wouldn't know the joy and excitement the smell brought. They might even say there wasn't a particular smell or roll their eyes if it were mentioned. Movies were cool, sports were cool, going out and partying was cool, but heaven forbid one stay at home and read.

"Hello, Riza," the owner said.

"Hello, Mister Franklin," she said. Another reason she loved this bookstore so much was Mister Franklin not only carried every type of book imaginable but he didn't give any judgment on what one bought. In the bigger bookstores in the city she'd get judging looks and sometimes even critiques on her reading habits.

"Looking for anything in particular today?" he asked.

"No, just browsing."

"If you need any help, just yell," he said.

Riza smiled and picked up one of the small baskets kept beside the door. "I will. Thank you."

She picked up a few books from the small bargain-bin kept at the front of the store before walking further back. She found the book that Roy mentioned he'd like to read, and then went to browse the romance novels. She'd read a few of the blurbs on the back of the books and didn't have an interest in any of the plots. She moved further back and a book caught her attention. It was a black cover. On it was a needle and a tie. It was called _The Working Stiff_. She picked it up and flipped it over to read the back blurb.

 ** _Ana Irons was dedicated to her work and refused to be distracted with matters like love. Happiness was a good day at her work and bringing comfort to her patients and their families. When she meets Christian White, everything changes and she finds pleasure in more than her career._**

Riza could relate to a woman putting work before everything else and enjoyed books with women in strong careers, so she put the book in her basket. After picking up a new cookbook from the proper section, she went to the counter, quickly purchased her books, and left for home.

 **-/-/-**

"Hello, beautiful," Roy said and kissed her as soon as she walked through the door. The first time she'd ever walked inside when Roy was there was surreal. She was used to being greeted by Hayate when she got home, but it was extremely pleasing when greeted by both Hayate and the man she loved.

They went through their usual routine. They did the military work they could do at home. The fuehrer's mansion was secure, but it would be unsafe to store confidential documents or any other kind of work in their residence. If anyone were to find out it was there, it would be a risk to them.

After work, they made dinner together, using one of many cookbooks they'd collected since their marriage. Their collective culinary skills hadn't extended past fried eggs, spaghetti, and grilled cheese sandwiches. After dinner, they cuddled up on the couch with their books, and Riza began reading silently.

 _ **Preattle Mortuary was a grey modest building, set between a large grey church that loomed over all the other buildings in the area, and a small grey laundry mat. Ana pulled into her reserved parking spot in the junky retro car that she didn't have the heart, or funds, to get rid of and entered through the back exit.**_

 _ **She'd been working at Preattle Mortuary for going on three years. In that time she'd relished her work. Fixing up a family's loved one so they could get closure was one of life's great pleasures for her. Unfortunately, that pleasure and her nights of overtime had resulted in no social life outside of gravediggers, priests, and the makeup artist Katarina.**_

 _ **You need a social life, her internal zombie screamed at her as she held up a sign that said loser and social reject. She jumped up and down like someone had set two fires in her shoes with leftover matches from a day of camping out on Lake James.**_

 _"_ This isn't an actual..." Riza flipped to the information page on the book and saw it was indeed published by an actual publishing company that employed real editors.

"You okay?"

She looked at her husband and nodded. "Yes, I'm fine." She continued reading. Perhaps there was some sort of comedy to this. Maybe the character was writing a bad novel or having an odd dream.

Her stomach increasingly filled with dread upon every page she finished. Ana's "inner zombie" seemed to star more in the book than the main character. While it was unique to have a character as a mortician, the author took what could've been fascinating and turned it into a dull unresearched read so far. She didn't know much about treating corpses but she was sure they weren't set up in a beautician's chair when their hair was styled.

Riza sighed and skipped a few pages.

 _ **Ana washed up and got into her proper attire. White. Why white? Why not red or blue? White showed blood and with her job blood got on her clothing frequently. Yes, blood was part of her job. Dark red would've been much better. Yes, red. Red would've been good. Red was the color of red blood. It should be red.**_

"I know damn it!" Riza yelled at the book, making Roy jump. She didn't see him give her a questioning look. Riza grit her teeth and read the next passage.

 _ **She put on her gloves. At least they were blue and not white. They still should be red too. She mixed her embalming fluid to get the proper shade that would make his skin the best color. Her inner zombie was so excited. It jumped up and down again like it was playing double-dutch. If it had had a vuvuzela, it would've been blowing it. If it were an embalmer, it would be dressed in sensible red. Instead, it**_ _ **squealed like a greased pig being chased by a bunch of kids at a redneck rodeo as the embalming mixture turned from dark red, the color her clothing should've been made, to pink.**_

 _ **She uncovered the corpse on the table and her heart stopped. He was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen.**_

Riza went pallid. _"Oh, god . . . No."_ Riza thought.

 _ **His eyes were closed but she knew the color was blue, like her gloves. She lifted his eyelids and she was right. Grey. Dark Grey. His brown hair was long and fanned out across the metal table, his pale skin shone under the light.**_

" _ **It's like diamonds," she whispered. It rivaled the glint shimmering off the table.**_

" _No no no no no no no."_ She should've stopped reading, but it was like when one came upon a train or car crash, you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway. Damning her curiosity, she kept reading.

 _ **She let her hands slide the sheet further down his body, licking her lips as she saw his memb—**_

"Fuck this thing!" Riza said and threw the book across the room.

"Riza?" Roy said. "Did the book not go the way you want it?"

"Burn that thing," she said with a menacing tone. "Get your gloves and burn that piece of shit."

"Are you sick? You've always preached against burning books. What's gotten into you?"

"That!" She leveled her glare on the book on the floor. "That should not even be called a book. It shouldn't even be held to the same standard as feces covered toilet paper!"

Roy put down his book and kept his gaze on his wife as he stood and walked over to the book she'd hurled several feet. He picked it up. "No book is that terrible."

"Page 37."

Roy flipped to the page she directed him to and scanned it. His face went from its normal color to becoming lighter and lighter until he was deathly pale. "She stuck his deceased coc…" His eyes widened. "Such pleasure. . ." Roy gagged. "Why?" He held up the book. "Why'd you buy this?"

"The blurb made it sound pretty good. Burn it!"

"Hey, we should use this to torture information out of criminals."

"No one is evil enough to be put through the torture of that book."

He nodded and tossed the book into the fireplace. He grabbed his gloves, put them on, and snapped. The book went up in flames, and Riza watched as it burned, pleased that it was no more in her house. It was too bad it had to be sitting in bookstores everywhere.

"Oh, the dust cover fell off."

"Must've happened when I threw it," Riza said.

Roy picked it up. When he grew paler than he already was, she knew whatever he saw wasn't good. She walked over to him.

"What's wrong?"

Roy showed her the cover. "A best selling…" Roy said.

Riza read the other sticker. "Soon coming soon to thea—theaters."

It was for the first and only time that Roy and Riza had actually wished the father had succeeded in his goals.

* * *

 **AN: This was actually based off something that happened to me regarding a very bad book that I read because the blurb sounded interesting. I hope you liked this oneshot.  
**


	2. Story 2: Never

**Useless When Wet: Royai Comedy Collection**

 **Story 2: Never**

 **Author: MoonStarDutchess**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than much needed writing practice.**

 **AN: This was another fic written back in 2005 but I'm rewriting here in 2015 to put in this collection. I was also unsure whether to put this in my comedy collection or my romance one (coming soon). Since it's written so informally and there are funny moments I went for comedy.**

* * *

He knew she was tough.

From what he'd heard, basic training had been easy for her.

She'd been shot more than once, had her throat slit, and never let a scream pass her lips.

She'd never taken any drugs.

She never got drunk.

She never showed anyone disrespect unless they disrespected her.

She never insulted anyone's intelligence.

She never cursed at anyone unless they warranted it.

She never showed him disrespect.

She never insulted his intelligence.

She never cursed at him.

 ** _Until Now . . .  
_**

Riza Mustang gripped her husband's hand with all the strength she had. She screamed, her eyes were filled with tears and her body was drenched in sweat. With her other hand she gripped the sheets on the bed with all her might.

"Why didn't you give me enough drugs, idiot doctor?"

"Missus Mustang, you must keep your stress levels as low as possible. It's not good for the baby," the doctor said. Roy figured he must have a death wish.

If looks could kill, the doctor would be drawn, quartered, castrated, and cremated. "You don't have to go through this, you dickhead! I'd like to see you spread your legs and push a baby out of your urethra."

Roy cringed, the doctor paled and all the nurses around her giggled.

"God, I wish I were drunk." She screamed when another contraction hit her.

 _So do I._ He hated seeing his wife in such pain. She'd been in labor for fifteen hours so far, and Roy could somewhat…A tad…Okay, so he understood the impatience at least. There's no way he'd be able to relate to what Riza was feeling. He'd always appreciated women, but now even more so. "You'll be okay, Love."

She glared, screamed as she pushed, and squeezed Roy's hand harder. He figured the grip was just a bit short of injuring him. If she was going through all of this, then he could take pain in his hand. "Breathe, Riza, it can't be worse than getting shot."

That comment was probably one of the worst things he could've said. "You are never touching me again, you arrogant asshole. You hear me?" The bones in his hand cracked, and he fell to his knees, the pain so excruciating he blacked out **.**

 **-/-/-**

 **A few hours later…**

Roy woke to find himself sitting in a chair. After his blurry vision cleared, he saw his hand with a bandage wrapped tightly around it. When he remembered where he was, his head shot up, his neck cracking with the action. _Damn it! Where's Riza?_

He looked around the room in a panic until his eyes settled on his wife in bed, holding a small pink bundle. Her face was still flushed, her hair askew and her breathing still ragged. Dark circles hung under her eyes. Her eyes were fixed upon the child she held. The doctor and nurses were gone.

He got up from his chair and walked toward the rocking chair beside their bed. When she looked up at him, he stopped in his tracks. If she didn't want him near her, he wouldn't take another step. He couldn't blame her if she felt that way. He'd missed the birth of their child. There she was going through all that pain and he'd blacked out just because she squeezed his hand too hard.

"Aren't you going to come and say hello to your daughter?" she said.

He relaxed when her voice came out calm. He went over to sit down in the rocking chair. She handed him their child. He sat back and then looked down.

It was instant love. This was a being he and Riza created out of their love. She was a person that they were completely responsible for creating and fostering until she became an adult. It was a terrifying prospect, but one he welcomed. Awe overtook him when her dark eyes opened and looked at his face. He tensed, out of fear that she was going to cry, but she only stared up at him. She looked like him in the face and eyes, but she had her mother's coloring and hair.

"Beautiful isn't she?" Riza asked.

Roy tore his eyes away from his daughter and looked at his wife. "She's gorgeous like her mother."

"Do you like the name Alexandria?" she asked. "Alexandria Mae Mustang."

Roy gave her a wide smile. "He'd be thrilled. Yeah, I like that." The baby closed her eyes again and he heard a tiny yawn. He chuckled, stood, and walked over to the crib. He placed the now sleeping baby inside her bed.

He moved to sit in the chair again, but she grabbed his wrist. "Rest with me."

Roy slid off his shoes and crawled into bed beside her. They rested with her propped against him. He felt her relax but had the need to ask something before she drifted off to sleep.

"Are you angry with me?"

"What would I be angry about?"

"Fainting when you did this," he asked and showed his hand. "I didn't get to see Alexandria be born."

Her brows furrowed and she took his hand gently. "It's sprained and you blacked out, but you hit your head on the bed and that's why you stayed unconscious so long. So, no, I'm not mad. Are you made at me for calling you an asshole and hurting your hand?"

"No."

She cuddled closer and yawned. He stroked her hair. "Sleep. You've had a hard day."

"That's an understatement," she said and yawned yet again before finally going to sleep.

He kissed the top of her head. Yes, she may have gone against all the "nevers" he thought associated with her, but he had one to add to his never list.

He'd never let her go.

* * *

 _ **AN: Another fic based loosely off real life events way back when I first wrote this. My friend actually hurt her husband's hand when she squeezed it so hard as she was giving birth. He fell and hit his head and missed the delivery. For her second kid, she refused to allow him in the delivery room and he was fine with that.**_ _ **  
**_


	3. Story 3: Your Place or Mine?

**Useless When Wet: Royai Comedy Collection**

 **Author: MoonStarDutchess**

 **Story 3: Your Place or Mine?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice.**

 **AN: This was first written in 2009 when the closet trope wasn't used as much. It's weird going back and rewriting these things.**

* * *

"Ouch!" Riza said when his elbow made contact with her rib.

"Sorry, Lieutenant Hawkeye, I had to move my elbow or it was going to get stuck that way."

She decided to leave out the fact that one's arm wouldn't get stuck from being in a single position for a significant amount of time. If they did, snipers would be walking around appearing as if they were holding an invisible rifle.

"Damn them. What gave them the fucking idea to try something like this? Are they watching too many dramas or something?"

"Remind me to set their asses on fire when we get out of this place," he said.

The _place_ they referred to was a small closet in the office where they kept their supplies.

"I can't believe they got us in here. How long were they planning this?"

"I should've known something was up when they were whispering during lunch and glancing at me."

He shifted his arms, placing each one on each side of Riza, his palms pressing against the wall. It was the first time in a while that she'd gotten this close to him and it brought memories of how good he smelled. She almost took a deep breath of his cologne. After all these years he still wore the same one he wore when they were teens.

"Don't you have your gloves?" she asked. She had to get out of there and away from him as soon as she could.

"No, I keep them in my desk drawer ever since I accidentally singed General Kanover's daughter's skirt off. I still haven't broken my habit of snapping when I think of an idea, so it would be too dangerous to keep them on now."

"You're still standing by that?"

"I really haven't broken the habit," he said.

She rolled her eyes. "I was speaking about the skirt."

"It was an accident! I thought I had on my dress gloves instead!"

"Yeah, whatever you say."

"If I wanted to burn anyone's skirt off it would be yours and certainly not without your permission and not in publ…" Roy trailed off when she looked at him with widened eyes. He coughed. "Do you have your gun with you?"

"You..." She looked away from him. "No, they cut off my holster before I was pushed in here with you. She was angrier that they cut her favorite holster, an expensive one that Roy had given her, than she was at being trapped in the closet.

She tried to move her hands but ended up with them resting on Roy's chest. He didn't voice any dislike toward their positions so she didn't move. Her cheeks heated even more when she realized how muscular his chest was and remembered exactly what was under his uniform jacket and shirt.  
Roy shifted. His hands moved to rest on her hips. "Sorry, Lieutenant, my hands were hurting pressed against the wall and—"

"It's okay, sir. It's not like we have any other options." And it wasn't as if she didn't enjoy it. The combination of his hands on her, his muscles under her palms, and his smell was making her feel improper things considering their current position.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Hum…" She had to find a way to get out of there.

"Riza, are you sure that—"

"I'm fine!"

"I was just showing concern. You don't have to snap my head off. "

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just agitated." _And horny._

"No, I apologise. This isn't really the place where I should expect a conversation," he said and chuckled.

"Maybe we can…" She tried to turn but her foot became tangled with his. He hit hard against the wall. Her chin hit against his chest. Several shelves fell onto them, and he quickly covered her to make sure she wasn't hit. Luckily the only things on the shelf were a few boxes of paperclips that scattered around them. She looked up at him afterward and noticed a small cut on his temple. She reached up and touched it. "We need to clean that."

She hadn't realized how close her face had gotten until Roy bent down and kissed her. She contemplated for a second whether to return it, but before she knew it, she was already doing so. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pressed her body closer to his and released a soft moan.

When they pulled away, the look in his eyes made her stomach flip.

"We have to find a way to get out of here."

She swallowed and nodded. "Without knocking over more shelves."

"Can we kick it open?" he asked.

She shook her head. "There's not enough room or momentum to get our legs against the door. We're either going to have to wait for someone to need equipment, for the men to let us out, or yell for help and risk rumors of us…" Her blush deepened.

"Making out in the closet?" He grinned. "Rumors tend to be false but. . ."

A lock clicked and they heard several pairs of footsteps running away from the door and down the hall. Roy reached for the doorknob and opened it, letting the light in. They stepped out of the closet and after letting their eyes adjust to the office light, wordlessly went over to the coat rack. It'd been past quitting time when they were first locked in.

They walked silently down the hall and left the building. When they made it to the gate, she said, "Where do you think they went?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't really care. I can deal with them on Monday."

Her heartbeat increased. "Oh?"

"I have something else on my mind. I'm hoping you do too."

There was no way in hell she could deny that. "Are you sure you want to take that step? It could change things."

"I think we've been putting our feelings off for too long. That's probably why they locked us in a closet."

"Rebecca has been nagging me about our um…the status of our relationship."

Roy put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned in closer. "Let's wait to deal with the men then. For now, is it your place or mine?"

"Mine, it's closer," Riza said. Her ears perked and she moved up to kiss him on the cheek, letting it linger. She whispered something in his ear, and they both made their way down the side walk and around the corner.

 **-/-/-**

Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery came out from their place hiding behind the bush near the gates.

"Mission accomplished, boys," Havoc said. "By Monday they'll be so happy they got laid that—"

"Did you really think that terrible hiding space was going to fool Hawkeye?"

The men turned as if in slow motion and all paled except Havoc. "Don't worry, he can't do anything. We took his gloves from his coat and desk."

"Yes, but you didn't get his gloves out of my coat pocket," Riza said. "And I have my guns."

"Oh, shit!" the men said.

That night, people wondered why fireworks and guns were being shot outside of Central Headquarters.

* * *

 **AN: Hope you liked it! Please leave a comment if you have the time.**


	4. Story 4: PWND

**Useless When Wet: A Royai Comedy Collection**

 **Author: MoonStarDutchess**

 **Story 4: PWND**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice.**

 **AN: This was first written in 2009 based on a request. It's weird going back and rewriting this. There isn't much to it so I took it down as a single and put it in here.**

* * *

Havoc's character fell as soon as he rushed toward the tank. He'd wanted to get inside and defend his team, but he'd failed thanks to the other team.

"Fuck this! That player is kicking my ass, and he's a noob!"

The other men on his team laughed at him.

"You must really suck if a noob is—damn it!" Roy said as the "noob" shot him.

They'd been one of the best teams on the latest game Yell of Battle on the new Amestribox console. It consisted of millions of people playing against each other.

Their achievement was an odd source of pride. Now this new player was making a fool out of all of them.

"Nice going there!" Breda said as Havoc was shot again seconds after he respawned.

Breda's character fell. "Shit!"

"Serves you right for making fun of me," Havoc yelled as he hid behind a car. He watched as his team members were gunned down one by one.

Then he fell over, dead once more. "Damn it!"

"How many times does that make you?" Breda asked.

Havoc mumbled out a number.

"What was that?" Roy asked.

"Yeah, I didn't hear you either," Breda said.

"I said thirty!"

"Who are you? Do you live in Central?" Falman asked. He'd remained as silent as the noob player. He was doing rather well against the player, but then again, one couldn't snipe someone in a tank.

"Damn it!" Havoc said.

"That's thirty one,' Fuery said.

"Thank you for that," Havoc snapped.

Roy's character was shot. "Shit! I give up!" He threw his remote. "Fucking player! Who the hell are you?"

"I give up too," Havoc said.

"Remind me to make you all train more. You're pathetic," a familiar voice crackled over the headsets.

Those still playing all dropped their controllers. "Hawkeye!"

"Well, that explains everything," Roy said with a sigh and turned off his console.


	5. Story 5: Riza's First Lady List

**Useless When Wet: A Royai Comedy Collection**

 **Story 5: Riza's First Lady List**

 **Author: MoonStarDutchess**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice.**

 **AN: Originally written in 2009.**

 **WARNING: CONTAINS VULGAR LANGUAGE**

* * *

Riza was sitting up in bed with a pen and notebook. Her husband was sleeping beside her with no sign that her late night rumination disturbed him.

She was never one to procrastinate on activities so it was surprising that she was tonight. A women's magazine had requested for her to write an article on being first lady. Instead of asking her about it first, someone in the staff accepted and then told her about it. After a warning not to accept anything else again without talking to her first, she agreed to write it.

The problem was that she didn't have a clue what they wanted or how to write something like this. She was an officer before she became first lady, not a journalist. But as much as it loathed her to admit it, the connection with the magazine was a good idea. It might gain more support for the current government. Not that they needed it really. A vast majority loved Roy and the government under him.

After several false starts, she tore out the sheet of paper, balled it up, and tossed it in the wastebasket across the room. She muttered and just started to write crap that came to her mind. Everything that bothered her about the job.

 **Riza Mustang's First Lady List**

 _I am Missus Riza Mustang, the First Lady of Amestris. I had no expectations about taking on this job other than the fact that it would be difficult work. I figured since I was in the military for a decade that something like being a wife wouldn't be all that difficult. I was wrong._

 _It's not being married to my husband that is so difficult; in fact, he's quite lovely to live with. It's the idiots that surround my husband and me that make day-to-day life rather annoying_ _. I'd say their combined IQ is less than 100._

 _Since this magazine is about matters regarding a woman's career, and my career as first lady, I thought I would list some dos and don'ts that one must follow in my position. These were not part of a list given to me. They are ones I've come up with using my experiences through the year and a half._

 _ **1.**_ _Make sure your teeth are always showing in your smile unless the event warrants a different emotion._

 _ **2.**_ _Always wear low cut dresses and shirts during specific events to guide photographer's attention away from the fuehrer who could possibly be picking his nose or adjusting his package._ _ **(a*)**_

 _ **(a*)**_ _My husband doesn't pick his nose, nor does he find public events an opportune time to adjust his man organs. The most disgusting thing he is likely to do is break wind during outdoor events and unless you want me to take my finger and plug his butt hole, it's not possible to prevent that. Besides, my finger up his butt would not only be disgusting but it would most likely be inappropriate._

 _ **3.**_ _Don't speak unless spoken to, then speak as less as possible and only to questions that you may be asked._ _ **(b*)**_

 _ **(b*)**_ _So, basically, shut the fuck up and be nice little bit of eye candy aka act like Roy's previous girlfriends. Note: This is what is expected from the sexist assholes that come to this country and some of the older members of council. I do not follow this particular rule unless I don't want to talk to the person._

 _ **4**_ _. Laugh at the appropriate times._ _ **(c*)**_

 _ **(c*)**_ _Like I did when the council members that implied this didn't get reelected._

 _ **5.**_ _Don't lose your temper. The people of Amestris need to see that their first lady is graceful and has a level head._ _ **(d*)**_

 _ **(d*)** So if someone makes me angry it wouldn't be a good idea to shove my .45 up his or her ass and shoot? I swear that I can do that in a most graceful way._

 _ **6.**_ _Keep your husband happy. A happy fuehrer is a good fuehrer._ _ **(e*)**_

 _ **(e*)**_ _So I should screw him often? Even on the office desk? Humm... I'm not opposed to more desk sex._

 _ **7.**_ _Act feminine, you are a role model for all women. Show them that a woman should know her place behind her man. Was actually said several times by ex council members._ _ **(f*)**_

 _ **(f*)** Act feminine? I don't have to act!_ _Those sexist assholes. Obviously, they came up with this shit. If you were here right now I would (censored for magazine) Cut off your (edited for language) and shove it down your (Censored) and then show you how we feel when we have the kind heart to blow your (restricted word) you stupid (horse fucker)._

Riza read over her list, chuckled, wadded up the paper, and threw it to the floor. She'd pick it up and then write a real article in the morning. Though she had to admit, the venting in that fake list felt good.

She put her pen and notebook down on her bedside table, turned off the lamp, and scooted further under the covers. She'd just begun to doze off when Roy wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck.

"Finally going to sleep?" he asked, his voice muffled. His hands slipped under her top to gently stroke her stomach. She pushed back against his body and groaned as he kissed her shoulder.

Might as well go by number six a bit. After all, he wasn't the only one that enjoyed it. She turned, pushed him on his back, straddled his waist, and bent to kiss him.

 **-/-/-**

Roy didn't want to get out of bed. His grip around her waist tightened, he pulled her back down onto the bed and cuddled her as if she were a giant teddy bear. She would love nothing more than to stay in this position and sleep until noon, but duty awaited them.

"Roy, get up," she said. "We have a meeting with a dignitary and his wife for breakfast. You know how important this meeting is." She pulled away and he let her go. She gathered up some clothing and went into the bathroom to take a shower. She'd let him doze until she finished.

Roy muttered as he sat up on her side of the bed. After a few yawns and stretches, his gaze fell upon a wadded up piece of paper on the floor. She'd been having a lot of trouble with the article the magazine asked her to write and it was probably a rough draft.

"Wouldn't hurt to look. Maybe I can help." He picked up the paper, straightened it out, and began to read.

As he read, he started to laugh. His wife had such a great, although hostile sense of humor. He'd never ever expect her to do any of these things and wondered if she was really told this. If so, he'd have to deal with that.

He looked up when he saw Riza, wrapped in a towel, looking at him with wide eyes.

"I like your comments on number six. Sex on my desk more often sounds fun."

Riza blushed a deeper red and went back into the bathroom. She stopped at the door. She bit her lip then turned to look at him. "Want to practice in the shower first?"

Roy tossed the list in the trash and followed her.

* * *

 **AN: This is my friend's favorite of the comedy things I've done. She almost lost it at the censorship part. Hope you enjoyed this and the previous posting. What do you think of Riza's list?**


	6. A Lesson in Scary

**Useless When Wet: A Royai Comedy Collection**

 **Story 6: A Lesson in Scary**

 **Author: MoonStarDutchess**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice.**

 **AN: There's no Royai in this one but since it's Riza based I put it in here. This was originally written in around 2008-09. Fourth wall is broken in this fic and this uses modern time. You'll see what I mean.**

* * *

Riza Hawkeye heaved a huge sigh as she walked home from work. She was hoping to go straight to her apartment but errands got in the way. She had to pay her electric bill, then get some groceries, and pick up her gun for repair. She'd been so busy at the office that her normally organized self was temporarily unorganized.

Due to her late errands, she had to walk home in the dark. The streetlights were all aglow, with dark alleys stretching on each side of her and a small path of light about two or three feet stretching in front of her. The environment looked like a scene from one of those studio horror movies.

She stopped and raised an eyebrow when she heard a creepy horror movie soundtrack start to play. She stopped and looked around her. "Since when does fanfiction have a musical accompaniment?" she said aloud. She shrugged her shoulders and continued to make her way down the sidewalk toward her home.

When she heard footsteps behind her, she stopped. _Sound effects too? Does fanfiction have a budget for these things now?_

Deciding to play along, she walked faster and faster. As she did so, the footsteps sped up and the music increased in both volume and beat. She finally stopped, dropped her bags, and frowned.

"All right, that does it! I've had enough." Her day was already going poorly. Something like this was the last thing she needed. "I am supposed to be in a Japanese anime and manga and in fanfiction, not in a horror film. You in the bushes come out! That goes for you behind the tree as well!"

A man wearing a white mask came out from behind the tree and at the same time, a man with a burnt face popped up out of the bush. "Get over here!"

"You aren't afraid of us?" the one in the white mask asked.

"Of course not. Not after what I've been through. Get your asses over here!"

The two left their hiding spots with their heads lowered and hands behind their backs. The one in the white mask kicked a pebble as they made their way over to stand in front of her.

"You two are pathetic," she growled and they stayed silent. "The least you could do would be to take off that horrible background music. I mean all is quiet, then when you show up that music starts. It makes it so obvious that someone is going to be attacked."

"But it's standard," the man with the burnt face said.

"What's wrong with your face?"

"I attacked some guy name Mustang a few months ago and he did this."

That didn't surprise her. "What's your name?" Her eyes narrowed at the man when he didn't' answer. She asked again in a louder voice. "I asked you your name!"

The burnt man ran behind the man with the mask.

"Freddy," he said timidly.

"Get back over here and stand on your own."

Freddy slowly moved out from behind his fellow horror movie icon and stood in front of Riza, not meeting her gaze.

The man in the white mask started laughing until Riza turned her regard to him. "You," she snapped. The man jumped and took a step back at the force of her voice. "What is your name?"

"I am the Phantom of the Opera," he said.

Freddy looked over at him as if he'd lost his head.

"Nice try, the Phantom is much sexier than you are," Riza said. "And he has a cool cape."

"Damn," he cursed. "My name is Jason."

"Freddy? Jason? What the hell kind of horror names are those? They sound more like Mouseketeer names."

"I killed a Mouseketeer once." Freddy's eyes went wide and filled with horror. He raised his hands. "They don't bleed!"

"You should see the tellytubby blood," Jason said. "Or Barney's. Their blood looks like the ink from one of those gel pens. SpongeBob's blood is the oddest though."

"SpongeBob has blood?" Freddy questioned.

"Well, some kind of liquid left him when I cut him in two. Looked like soapy water."

"Soap? Really? Wonder what kind?"

"It had a very woodsy scent, yet a fresh after rain smell that was really easy on the nose. It was quite lovely and refreshing, but I just couldn't place it."

"Sounds like Irish Spring," Freddy said.

"Yeah come to think of it, that was-"

"Enough! Look, you are lousy horror icons that have nothing on people like Dracula and Frankenstein. Hell, the mummy is scarier than you are."

They both looked down at the ground.

"You can only kill stupid and always beautiful people who only die because they made an idiotic mistake."

They looked back up at her.

"So we aren't scary?"

"You're a tad bit creepy but nothing more than that."

"What if I took my mask off and said 'Brains. I want to eat brains' in a monotone voice with my arms outstretched.

"You would starve to death if you hunt around here."

"So we are failures," Freddy said with a sniff.

"Yeah," Jason said.

"Okay, you two, look," Riza said, feeling sorry for them. She retrieved a pen and paper from her purse and wrote down a name. She then handed it to them."

"What you need to do is take a right out of this anime erm… fanfiction. Gah, whatever. Go back to your movie world. Then go back in the past around 60 to 65 years, and find that guy. He can help you."

Freddy read the name. "Alfred Hitchcock?"

"Yes," she said.

"Thanks," they both said and ran away like children who'd just gotten a treat.

She picked up her groceries and made her way home.

-/-/-

"Jason?" Freddy asked.

"Yeah?"

"I need to make a stop at my place?"

"Why?"

Freddy looked away from him. "She made me pee my pants."

"Ah. Think you have a pair I can borrow?"

"She made you piss yourself too?"

"No…Um… I shit myself."

"Sure, you can a pair. We have to change before we can find that Hitchcock fellow," Freddy said.

"She was terrifying."

"Yes, yes she was."

* * *

 ***AN: As a child, I never found Freddy and Jason to be that scary, but my friends around me to this day are terrified of the movies. I don't get it. It's like the new IT film. To me the old one was scarier because the clown looked like a normal clown. The evil in normal is scarier than obvious evil.**

 **Alfred Hitchcock wasn't terrifying, but he had a way of making films that gave you chills.**

 **After all she's been through, I very much doubt Riza would fear them.**

 **Thank you for reading and please leave a comment if you have time.**


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